Monday, February 04, 2013

time passes

I'm slowly realizing that I am not very good with handling change.  In the smallest amounts even.  I get uncomfortable when the writers of some of my favorite blogs change their blog header.  Or, the menu changes at a restaurant I happen to love...and of course they get rid of the item I order every time.  Or seeing a new shopping center or development go up in what was once, for so many years, farmland.  No, I'm not good with any of this.  I like things simple...I like to know what I am getting.  I like to be in control.

And, no matter what, in roughly 47 days, this little boy will make his debut and our world is gonna get rocked.  To say I am not scared out of my mind would be a lie.  Are we ready for all those sleepless nights again?  The endless rocking, bouncing, thigh workouts at 3 am trying to relieve a gas bubble while rubbing baby's back counter clockwise as all the books recommend...the swaddling, re-swaddling, get your hands back in your swaddle swaddling?  The nursing every hour on the hour if he's is not gaining enough weight?  The exhaustion.

Everything will pan out 100% different than what I have pictured in my mind.  I know this.  No matter what, time will pass, the baby will be here and more time will pass and we will get through it just like every one else day at a time.  Trial and error.  All while gloriously trying not to mess up this beautiful, innocent little creature.

I visited my sister last week and we had such a great time together.  I love seeing Leila with her cousins...I melt.  I remember like it was yesterday, me and my sister measuring our height in her bedroom closet in the house we grew up in in Dallas, amazed by how much we had grown from the last measuring.  So, to now take a step back and to see our girls together really makes you realize how time passes, things change.

Leila and I slept together in a queen bed for the first time during our visit.  We never "co-sleep"...we "co-cuddle" every morning for 30 minutes and that's the extent of it.  So, last week as I crawled into bed after a busy day and tried to get her to settle down...I realized there was no point in me trying.  She was too happy.  Too excited.  I tried to set an example and closed my eyes...all while listening to  her talk to her stuffed animals and make believe they were going to this place and making that.  Then, I would feel her face half an inch from mine, then one of my eye lids being lifted up, then "MAMA, wake up!"...this would go on for a few minutes and I tried not to laugh.  Close my eyes again.  And in the middle of all of this, she would kiss me...over and over again and tell me she loves me.  My heart.  Finally, really needing sleep, I would turn my back and face the other way hoping she would follow suit and snuggle into a deep sleep.  No, instead I felt her petting my arm telling me "everything will be ok, mama."  As though she could sense my pregnancy induced anxiety running through my head.  The sweetest little being I could ever ask for. 

Finally she did fall the wrong direction of course with her head in my back...but she did sleep.  In those moments of pure love, I really do feel the only way I can explain how I feel about my daughter is that I am madly in love with her.  To me, that is the only way to explain a parent's love.  I don't care what people think, I will say it even if it means someone thinking, "oh, just another mom annoyingly in love with their kid."  It is the deepest thing I will ever know. In all the moments that I have sat on the floor crying, or I have yelled at her then regretted it, or I have looked at her and wondered "who's child is this!?!!"...When I have days that I say, "God, help me" 50 times and I wonder how I will ever get through a desperate moment...time passes, this will pass and I know those moments where my heart goes dancing around outside of my body will come back.

My sister and I were in this great store last week with all kinds of neat signs...and one of them read something like this: "What screws us up in life is the picture in our head of how we think it is supposed to be."  So true.  We can't control anything...time passes and life changes, whether we are prepared, whether we like it or not. 

So, I am signing off for a while and will check in every so often.  Until then, I'm going to enjoy what time I have left with our little girl before the baby boy arrives.  Fingers crossed, God will help me get through those sleepless nights as time passes during this new chapter in our lives.